Eighteen

The most interesting thing about personal teenage blogs is that fact that beyond ranting about branded t-shirts and bras you get to watch someone, a complete stranger, develop into a real, independent human being.

This year, I turned 18, the blog name 'Alice's Teenage Life ' is hugely misleading because I'm legally an adult. This year, I took the most important exams of my life, spluttered my way through university applications and auditions. I've trained up behind a bar for the first time, and left my first job. I've done more this year in my development as a person than I have done any other year of my life.

But most importantly, I've moved out.

In August, I was accepted into the University of Nottingham to study English. I have to make sure that I'm paying my rent on time. I have to feed myself, clean up after myself. I can stay out until Four in the morning and not be shouted at. I can buy a bottle of wine for myself as pre-drinks. Step back for a minute, and think about how strange that is. In one year, many teenagers-turned-adults are thrust into this world of both freedom and responsibility. Many of us have led very sheltered lives, and suddenly we can do whatever we want within the realms of the law. We're being thrust into debt and being told to have the time of our lives.

Just, how odd is that?

Think about it for a minute.

I'm just glad that University exempts me from taxes for now, it's a jump, but at least it's not 'OH, YOU'RE EARNING MONEY? THAT'S COOL NOW SHAREKTHNXBI'

P.S- I'll do a write up on this semester over Christmas. Pinky promise.

Grief, and how it alters your perception of religion

Now as you may or may not know, I am a staunch believer in nothing. As in, I believe in no God, no heaven, no hell, and that there is no Devil. In other words, I'm an Atheist. Me and most of the internet, I know. I've believed in my none belief for a long time, probably five or six years now (which is a long time considering how old I am, and the fact that I used to go to Sunday School), and I've pretty much stood by that belief through thick and thin. There is no afterlife, and although the idea that people who do wrong in life will be punished in the next one is an interesting concept...It's just that. By my beliefs, religion is an invention of man, as is God, as is heaven, and as is the Devil because man kind simply cannot cope with his human instincts. We do 'sin', but it isn't our fault, we can't cope with the fact that we killed a man or that we upset our parents, we were possessed by the Devil, he gave us his urges to tease us. He leads us to temptation. We also cannot cope with the idea of losing our loved ones, they pass on into the afterlife where they will be happy, where we will reunite with them once more. I can understand why people believe that. Religion is a coping mechanism, but not one that I've had to or wish to turn to.

Well, recently, my view on this has changed a little. Not long ago, one of my closest friends passed away at just 15, weeks away from her sweet 16th. It was sad, incredibly sad, and my belief that there is nothing after life offered me no comfort. I want to believe that she is looking down on us, her friends and family, I want to think that she can still guide us and communicate with us because she cares, and can still care...But I can't, because I don't believe in the afterlife. When you're dead you're dead. And that belief doesn't help me in the slightest. Recently, it's hit me again that she's passed on (passed on being a phrase generally associated with the afterlife that I can't help but use) and I've been trying to communicate with her. Not your Ouiija Board and your sitting in a circle kind of thing, but sending her (and I know this is incredibly pathetic) messages through Facebook and Msn, because it gives me comfort that I'm sending some form of communication to her that can't be read by others. I know she can't read it, I know she never will and it hurts having to think like that, but I do because it's my belief and despite how much it wavers I'm stubborn and it holds fast. I can see why people turn to religion for comfort at this kind of time.

Anyway, I just posted this because I felt that this is something that I needed to say for myself, maybe give you a bit of insight into the personal beliefs of a hormonal teenage girl, going through her first real experience of grief.